Book 101, QuiGon's Story
by HyperCaz
Summary: Qui-Gon's journal, book 101, through Episode 1. Frequently complains about green troll, prefers the colour red and has seen Die Hard more times than said green troll. Bad language and disturbing references. Read only if terminally insane.


Disclaimer: Nope! Not mine!  
  
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The Phantom Crackhead or, more commonly known as, Qui-Gon's Bitching.  
  
~book number 101~  
  
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For my eyes only! Whoever reads this will get zapped with lightning bolts. Though, technically, that's illegal. Do I look like I care? My apprentice has gastric problems for cripes sake!  
  
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I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. I will not play nurse maid to weird alien Hans Gruber wanna bees. Like I care if there's war. Finally get to slice some people in half. Getting my ass whooped by Yoda is so humiliating I pretend I've never versed him, so some low IQ shit heads will be enough to vent my anger. I hope. Maybe I'll have a shot at Obi-Wan while I'm at it. The poor kid still thinks I get PMS.  
  
I mean, blue lightsabres were *so* last century. According to Yaddle, they're the new green. I disagree. Red is totally in this millennia. Also, she insulted my new do. As if I was going to go to Mace Windbag's hair dresser. Like, no.  
  
Knee high troll approaching twelve o'clock. Better ditch book before the fugly thing suggests better technology.  
  
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What the hell is wrong with Yoda? It's not like I can't plot hyperspace coordinates myself. Even Windbag could do it. Wait, scratch that, he had to get extended tuition just to switch on his lightsabre. I hate diplomatic vessels. The pilots treat you like some goodie goodie two shoes. Let's see if my lightsabre agrees with that.  
  
No, wait, Yoda specifically didn't want a repeat of last mission. Poor, poor Wookie. He never had a chance. Obi-Wan is shifting around a bit. I should have asked for a toilet on board but nooooo, something to do with price cuts. Now he has to hold on. Poor bugger. Caught him the other day trying to shave his hair off. Apparently, the stunned Windbag look is very stylish in temple at the moment.  
  
Will pretend I thought he had masturbating problems. No, that's won't work. Yoda will probably haul him off to counselling again. Last time this happened, Obi-Wan jumped off the top of the temple. He couldn't even do it right. Landed in the back seat of some slut's speeder. Didn't return until dusk. . .  
  
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Looked in mirror while searching for a chamber pot. Decided self would not look too bad with bald head and green moustache. No, red. Red is the new green.  
  
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The alien Hans Gruber wanna bees must be British. I'm not supposed to know things like that, but back water planet in other galaxy has very attractive women who like to pretend they are dancing with their fathers. Pleasing to know I get some, unlike Obi-Wan who screams every time he sees a member of the opposite sex. What's he going to be like with the dumbass queen?  
  
Tea. They served us tea. I saw the droid scuttling off with tea bags. Who can be, like, that cheap? Yoda can, I think. He makes big extensive price cuts and goes hot tubbing with Yaddle on weekends at very expensive spa baths.  
  
It's not fair. They could have a child out of wedlock and the senate wouldn't care. Very annoying for the rest of us to keep having to use contraceptives.  
  
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"It's an invasion army" - well no DUH! I nearly ripped off his cute little braid. That little grin of his is so annoying, I wish I could choke it off his face. No, that would be using the dark side of the Force. But Jedi code says nothing about bare hands. . .  
  
There is a vent right next to me. And Obi-Wan is still trying to figure out a way to sneak onto the invasion vehicles. IT'S SIMPLE! You walk out, you have either one of your lightsabres and get on. Actually, I think the kid is too busy shitting himself. He's saying things like "mother" and "we're doomed".  
  
That must be his backup personality. Ooh, look! Yellow must be very in - and cream! And beige! - for the Hans Gruber wanna bees, judging by the fact that all of the droids seem to be those colours. These guys so watch Die Hard. I heard some droids quoting some dialogue from it meanly to each other.  
  
That is, until one started firing at the others, yelling,  
  
"Yippie ki yay, mother fucker."  
  
Yoda would love to perform psychology on these guys. He loves Die Hard.  
  
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I once tried to get Obi-Wan to tell me what colour grass was. Big mistake! He reckons Naboo is all a lovely colour red. Waaait, is this another sign from a perhaps non-existent God? Red IS the new green!  
  
Must point and laugh at Yaddle next time I see the damned red thing. Hopefully not, erm, EXERCISING with Yoda in the bedchamber like last time. Obi-Wan got chased by a droid, by the way. Very traumatic. He keeps misting over in the eyes, like he's about to cry. Should warn Yoda that electrically charged therapy does NOT work!  
  
Neither does blue lightsabre. Hehe. We've also got some gay ass creature flapping his ear wax at us. Like, gross! I washed this beard the other night! Just to get back at Obi-Wan for constantly waking me up at three in the morning to be led to the potty, I gave very annoying "all-knowing" look and said the damned thing had to come with us.  
  
Poor kid. He worships me. I am so cool.  
  
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Ear wax spraying is very useful tool to have around. Must inform Yoda that Gungans must be standard issue and shrunk to fit on utility belts. The stupid troll would probably say it's a Dark Side thing to do. Git. I saw him torturing some young Padawan the other decade. Something about "size matters not". . .I offered better advice - "it's all in the dick" then told the boy where to get enlargements.  
  
Oh wait, that was Obi-Wan, wasn't it? Hehe. I am such a good Master.  
  
Stop press! I have the best saying ever! THERE'S ALWAYS A BIGGER FISH! Maybe size really does matter. Big fish eat little fish, not the other way round as I originally thought. Found out also that Obi-Wan can hot wire anything from star ships to bongos. So that's where Yoda's joy ride keeps going. . .  
  
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QUEEN IS SO HOT! HOT! HOT! Such a shame the Senate is all up in arms about rape and carnal knowledge these days. Obi-Wan seems to be having problems. He keeps hiding his lower half behind benches and tables. Bad time to get a stiffy, let me tell you. Our lives are in the hands of ONE DROID.  
  
I've given the droid a bad name so I can survive. I called it Luke. Pukish name, if you ask me. Who would call their son THAT? I'd run myself through with a BLUE lightsabre if my parents gave that name to me. According to Yaddle, my mum was a hooker and dad was a corrupt senator.  
  
I already know who and it's disturbing. Palpatine must have been, like, TEN when he conceived me. GROSS! One can't help but notice he is not very supportive of new rape and carnal knowledge laws.  
  
Bad child hood, I guess.  
  
Oh, damn! Queen wants to ask my advice on the new green. Red or black, she wants to know. Say red politely, while secretively wishing to shout "NO DUR!" I know she doesn't like Obi-Wan. Must have seen his you-know-what sticking up like Yoda's ears. BAD MENTAL PICTURE! DIRTY! BAD!  
  
I know she's also secretly a handmaiden. She's also very attached to me, I've noticed. Apparently back at Naboo no one likes the colour red. She wears it to piss everyone off. Confessed to me that certain old governor likes colour red. Especially in undergarments.  
  
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Tatooine is such a HOLE! Obi-wan is INSANE! I trust him with just one little thing but NO! He has to go and make my "all-knowing" grin look peevishly bad. Queen or should I say, PADME, was very sympathetic to my plight.  
  
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Padme or whatever is such a maneater. She's not even a virgin, I swear. We walk into some shit hole shop and she starts flirting with a NINE YEAR OLD BOY. There's hope for me yet. I tell ear wax dispensing not to touch anything, praying that he might set the place on fire. That would be good. Lot's of screaming if those inside were trapped. I have a soundtrack that just has screaming on it.  
  
Have left it to Obi-Wan in will. Hope it kills kid so that I can torment him further. By the way, I got the kid stuck fixing an unbroken hyper drive. Well come on! Who wouldn't want to spend time on a back water planet tormenting pukishly named droid, trying to hook up with a queen AND pulling on ear wax flinger's ears. Quite entertaining. Even more so when said ear wax flinger nearly gets murdered by Dug until annoying boy saves him.  
  
No, duh, he has the Force. Stupid kid doesn't even realise it. Sounds just like Obi-Wan. . .  
  
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Boy is insane. Wants to race so we can get off the planet. Mo fo - I wanna stay! He begins hitting on Padme and droid. It is quite disturbing. See, this is probably how I ended up being born. Only consolidation is boy's mother. One fine old thing. Perfect! Must ask to be alone with her for three hours.  
  
Test drove her bed when everyone else was fighting. Very comfy.  
  
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Shmi is very good in bed. She admitted that Anakin actually had a father. If her son knew, he'd have nightmares.  
  
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Oh god, this is so not right. I've been on Tatooine before. Shit. Shmi says she actually remembers me. NOW I'M A DEAD BEAT DAD! Well. That settles it - Anakin is coming with me because daddy will give him chocolate ice cream.  
  
I'm screwed. Literally.  
  
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Anakin won the race. Didn't anyone notice me giving the Force a few flicks? No, probably not. The Dug should have won. Anakin really sucks. He did NOT get that from my side of the family. Then some Freddie Kruger wanna be jumps me just before we get on the ship. Shouting something about red being the new green. As if I didn't already know that. He wanted the queen. Says she gave him HIV or something. Also said my dad was planning something heavy.  
  
HELLO! LIKE I DON'T KNOW PALPATINE IS A SITH LORD! Yoda says it doesn't really matter. He just pretends Sith don't exist so no one can make him leave the spa baths to hunt down black cloaked crackheads. I quite agree.  
  
Faked exhaustion so Obi-Wan could not make me take him to the potty. Introduced him to Anakin. They hate each other and are vying for my affections. I am so cool.  
  
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Have recently received word from dad asking if I know any misguided Jedi masters who might want to go dark. I suggested my former Master - Master Dooku. Told dad to totally lay down the false Count business. Dad thanked me and says he is very close to becoming Chancellor.  
  
Like I care.  
  
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OMG dad was hitting on queen. Had to let her go with him, though, and take snot brained badly potty trained boys off to the temple. Obi-Wan proudly showed off his lovely blue lightsabre to Anakin who wrinkled his nose and said red and green were far better.  
  
Boy is just like me. Scary.  
  
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Yoda went for freaking out Anakin. It always works! The kid nearly wet his pants. It was that good - you had to be there. I finally figured out that the Chosen One prophecy is actually about a kid born into wedlock. Shucks. That must be either Anakin or Obi-Wan. Well. They ARE brothers, you know.  
  
Waaait, what about all the other Jedi? Surely they have kids out of wedlock. Meh - whatever! Yoda took me aside privately and said he wanted the two to come with me to Naboo again for some brotherly bonding. No, I wasn't to murder Obi-Wan. No, I wasn't to kick Anakin in the arse like I do my apprentice. AND NO SEX! You fugly troll. Just because I'm getting some and YOU AREN'T! I don't think Yaddle counts, really.  
  
Said to say hi to dad for him. Something about a shipment of fancy red lightsabres, apparently. I like the sound of double sided. Asked dad about this via comlink. I'll be getting a look a one soon, according to him. He's in a disgustingly cheerful mood - he got nominated for Chancellor. Really sunk Valorum, who I know used to be dad's boyfriend.  
  
Case of the ex, if you ask me.  
  
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Anakin doesn't like chocolate ice cream. He prefers strawberry. Note to self: buy strawberry ice cream - oh, and Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus for Obi-Wan. No idea what those planets are, but according to Yoda, earthlings from back water galaxy know nothing about class when it comes to naming planets.  
  
Some earthling wants to turn our life story into a soap, for cripes sake. His name is really gay ass, too. Something of a personal friend of Yoda's, I understand. What's the name again? Geff Carcass? Geoff Luke? Luke is such a puke ass name.  
  
RED IS SO THE NEW GREEN!  
  
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Note to self: buy something to clean out ear wax flinger's ears. I said I had better experience than him with sex, not flex! Like I have big ears I can flop about. Geez, ear wax flinger. He admitted to having hash stored in rectum. Trade in drugs is only done one way. His way.  
  
Second Note to self: never buy hash again.  
  
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I caught Obi-Wan and Anakin smoking some marijuana while everyone else was planning an attack. Told them it wasn't fair to hog. Found out interesting things - such as Obi-Wan has been in bed with so-called innocent queen (luckily escaping HIV) and was keen to share experience with Anakin.  
  
Amidala is mine! This is pathetic. I really ought to tell them I'm their father.  
  
Nah.  
  
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Well whoop de frickin doo! I told Yoda we really needed Gungans on our utility belts. War! What is it good for. . .? Cheap narcotics. That much I know.  
  
Not enough time or comfort to get to know queen better. I have feeling I'm going to die. Have been suspecting this for twenty years ever since the Force got drunk and started leaking the future out randomly. It thought watching my death was a source of entertainment one could not get out of MTV.  
  
As if.  
  
PS: RED IS THE NEW GREEN!  
  
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~In the afterlife, book number 102~  
  
Dad was right. Came into contact with double sided red lightsabre. Not the way I intended to go, mind you. I ran into Tahl the other day. She was really pissed. I'm supposed to have kept faithful after she died or something. As if. Dad got my journal books through will.  
  
He promised the other day to give Anakin lots of strawberry ice cream and asked for book to Obi-Wan. Grandpa Palpatine. Now THAT is funny. Stupid Freddie Kruger wanna be. If he hadn't given me the KO I wouldn't have had to get a learner's permit on Force appearing just to tell dad all this.  
  
Ok, I got stabbed with the new green, red. I don't like red so much anymore. Told Obi-Wan to take Anakin as apprentice but ran out of air before I could admit to being their father. Damn Force and its humour. Yoda thinks it's funny - keeps sending me get well messages.  
  
The Force gave me same bad news that everyone else here thinks is funny - even Freddie Kruger wanna be who managed to die before me even though getting the KO AFTER me. What an idiot. I'm gonna have to watch Anakin and Obi-Wan make shitty fools of themselves, then get reincarnated as my own grandson. God, this is embarrassing. My name will be Luke.  
  
This is so not fair.  
  
PS: Apparently there'll be a girl as well. She's Anakin's kid. I'm coming back as Obi-Wan's. I'm done for. Amidala has twins, one for boy who likes ice cream and one for boy who is scared of opposite sex.  
  
This is going to be a long three decades. 


End file.
